Are you unpoopular?

First of all, the spelling error in the title is deliberate.

Second of all, contrary to what you think might be implied by the title, it is not about a particular bodily function. I could do a dissertation on the gastrointestinal tract of the human body and what it does to keep itself and you moving, but you can go to any number of websites and get a very detailed and precise description in half the words it always takes me to write about something. So, let's not and say we didn't.

No, this has to do with writing and being thick-skinned about it. I've been writing for a long time. As I think back on that statement, I realize my story and poem composing days started before I was 10 years old. Long time (see two sentences down). I don't turn a phrase well enough to make a living at it; but, some folks apparently think I know enough to be able to proof and critique their work. Okay, it boosts the ego a bit to be asked to do this favor and perhaps it's because I do it gratis that I keep getting asked (why, yes, I was that sucker born in that minute back in 1957). But, if you're going to ask for this freebie, be prepared to get what you pay for.

Long ago and not so far away, I took a class in creative writing where each bit of composition was meticuously dissected. You might have felt like you wrote a piece that could win (insert award of choice here), only to have it ripped apart, sentence by sentence, word choice by word choice, until you felt like you knew less than nothing. It was vicious. To this day, much as I came to call the man who taught this class a friend, I'm not entirely convinced that his motives were all positive. But, after I licked my wounds and got over all the comments on the papers and really started to think about everything he had to say, I realized that a) he was right (damn it!), and b) the scathing critiques might really have been meant to toughen young hides to rejections that might come regardless of any stellar writing ability we had or might develop. It was a few years, but I actually thanked him for that bit of tough teaching -- right before I smacked him in the head with a newspaper.

Why bring this up? Be afraid, poem, essay, term paper and story writers, as I tend to use a softened version of this same mean old reviewing method on things I'm asked to look at nowadays. I break down works line by line sometimes, but I try to temper what I have say as much as possible. I don't rip folks apart, but I don't coddle them, either. Some have taken exception to this of late, using language associated with the above-mentioned bodily function. I've decided to take exception to their exception here, with my explanation for same attached.

I don't want folks to write like me (can you imagine?). I want folks to write their best, to express their thoughts in their words in a way that conveys what they want to say loudly and clearly. If I offend you with my opinion, then don't keep asking me to look at what you've written. Go hire a professional to review it for you. If you're really serious about breaking into writing at a professional level, you will need to do this at some point, anyway.

Finally, in a personal note to the instructor who's responsible for my approach to critiquing, who I know reads this silly blog -- hey, Steve, you'll notice I'm still long-winded. Deal with it.