Frustration

For the handful of people who read this blog, you're used to narratives with a touch of humor to them. My apologies for this entry as it's not going to be the least bit humorous. I've been having some health issues over a period of time. I was either not seeing any problems or was dismissing them, attributing them to other issues. But, it came to a head in the last two weeks.

Know the saying, 'Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most'? While I haven't lost my mind, I've lost parts of it. Memory has taken a dramatic turn for the worse as has the ability to stay focused and a few other little mental abilities. As a result of these problems, I lost my full time job. I couldn't keep up with the duties I had so deftly been able to handle a year ago and was reduced to part time status. My health insurance will be going to the wayside at the end of this month; I could buy in at half-price, but on a part-time salary, even half-cost is out of my pocketbook's range. I will also make too much money to get full Medicaid and won't be making enough to buy in at a reduced cost. Finding a second part-time job or even another full time job is going to be difficult, given the circumstances. Even the simplest jobs have instructions that must be followed for the sake of completion, sometimes for the sake of safety of self, co-workers, and others. If I can't follow instructions on the job I have because I can't remember them, how can I follow them elsewhere?

I have a neurological evaluation coming up in two weeks. Whether anything's figured out before my health insurance runs out remains as much a mystery as the problem itself. I'm fairly certain that my warranty as a human being hasn't run out just over the half-century mark. I come from genes of good health and longevity. But on the other hand, no one in my family has had this kind of problem before, either. I would have to be the first. It's new and unexciting all around.

Before I finish and likely forget that I've posted this (no, not kidding), here's a bit of poetry that shares its title with the title of this long bit of silliness.

Frustration

To have had a mind like a steel trap which could learn any new skill or piece of information in a short while and retain it

To have been able to memorize names, numbers, voices, faces, facts and other trivial bits and be able to recall them later on command

To have been able to recall incidents that happened days, weeks, months and years ago with a clarity that impressed even me sometimes

To be able to focus on any subject and get it done with room to spare

To have been so independent in thought and deed that it impressed and inspired others

To be reduced to making lists for everything I need to do just so that it gets done

To be reduced to cringing inside when people ask, “Do you remember …?” when it was only yesterday or, worse, earlier in the day because, quite honestly, I don’t

To be reduced to not remembering lists of anything, including the lists I make to get through the day

To be reduced to sometimes not being able to do simple arithmetic

To be reduced to not recognizing words spelled wrong or thinking a word spelled correctly is misspelled

To be reduced to typing or saying a completely different word than the one I was thinking of

To be reduced to seemingly having the attention span of a gnat

To be reduced to all this in a matter of a year is frustrating beyond the telling

To not be able to see what was happening earlier is appalling

To not be able to now figure out what’s wrong is frightening

To be able to see that it’s not getting better and reason that this might become permanent

That I might become a burden to my family or others

To lose my streak of independence and not fulfill my hopes and dreams is both horrifying and saddening

As someone else once said, “Give me back my life!”

Have a better day.