Depression Versus Personal Evolution

In the social isolation state we presently are still in, there have been many times of too much time on my hands and surfing the internet trying to relieve the boredom.  Trust me - it doesn't work all that well.  Get outside and take a walk.

So many tests online which are based in psychology or pseudo-psychology and so little time to explore them all.  But one I've taken in the past pre-COVID-19 is the Goldberg Depression Test.  It's a series of statements that you agree or disagree with with regard to your mental state.  Not surprisingly, I've ended up getting scores which show I might be "mildly depressed" lately, and I wouldn't disagree.  It's hard to be a perpetual optimist in our present situations (yes, plural).

I bring up the test for depression for a reason, though.  One of the statements on it, paraphrasing here, is that you've lost interest in something that you used to enjoy.  This one always bothers me.  Yes, I've lost interest in things which I used to enjoy.  I used to love gory horror movies.  I used to love fried foods.  I used to love Baroque styled anything, the gaudier the better.  I had a fascination with tempting fate and police and going above the speed limit when I had a car that could that.  I used to love fast and crazy amusement park rides, although anything that turned me upside down was never a personal favorite..

Now, there are those who would ask what's wrong with any of that.  Nothing.  But for me, they've lost their appeal.  But is it depression or personal evolution that has caused this turning away?  Am I teetering on being depressed a point or so more as a result, or is it merely a result of time and experience having their way with how I think?

Tastes change.  That which we loved as kids and young adults many times goes to the wayside as we "grow up."  How do you tell the difference?  If something that you did and enjoyed, but no longer do makes you wonder, "What was I thinking?" like buying green and pink horizontally striped palazzo pants might do, then it's personal evolution.  To those who might like that clothing style, apologies (but what are you thinking?????)

I've found that my taste in things has become simpler and I'm good with it.  I still like things that others would consider nuts – ask me sometime how often I challenge my stomach and colon with spicy food that rates a 6 out of 10 or better on the kick-ass heat scale.   Perhaps it's age, a slowing down and not taking as many risks, of finding joy in less complicated moments.  

But is it depression to lose interest in things?  The answer is not always.

Individual Style

Okay, as long as I'm fumb,ing around in old creative crap o' mine, let's pull out this piece of wordsmithing from 1991.  It was actually written as part of my profile for Delphi Internet Services, now Delphiforums.  Come to think of it, it's still there, but you have to be a member to see it.  A few people who read this silly blog were members and may recognize it, or they've read it because I shared it with them somewhere along the 22-year line.

Anyway, it was written for a section asking about my fashion statement, but really, it's also my general style in my approach to life.  So, if you're curious, read on and maybe enjoy:

When I was in my teens, I didn't want to be like the others who made statements with their choice of clothes, hair, etc. I rebelled by not joining my peers in making a noticeable statement. I had opinions that were voiced in simple questions and simple remarks. I wasn't doing it deliberately. I just wanted to be me.

When I was in my twenties, I never fit the fashion statement of "in". I tended to be conservative in that regard. My hair got shorter and shorter, even though the look of the late 70's into the 80's was still long and flowing, a la Farrah Fawcett. I didn't feel the need to join in how others were making their point. I could make the same point without all the hoopla. I wasn't doing it deliberately. I was just being me.

When I reached my thirties, I found that the groundwork of who I am and how I make my statements had been laid in the prior decades of my life. It wasn't that I was plain or conservative or just wimpy in my choices. My style was one of simple lines - nothing fancy, nothing bold. A statement in subtlety, which is how I tend to approach life. I wasn't doing it deliberately. I was merely continuing to be me.

As I pass the age of fifty, that clothing style still remains and will be with me, I suspect, for the rest of my days. My hair is about the only thing that's changed periodically, short to long to short again, and, like its owner, has a mind of its own. I have come to realize that my late grandmother was correct when she called me a "bucker" (yes, I did hear her right). I am a renegade in my own right - a quiet one, but a renegade nonetheless.

I have also realized that I was doing it deliberately all along, although not always consciously.

Yes, it's me, and I shall continue to be me until my last day on the planet.