For those who have
followed this blog for any length of time, you might remember an entry where I
was sad and frustrated with the circumstances of my life and it showed in my
chosen words. Well, guess what? That's right, it’s time for a
similarly toned ramble. Turn away now if you're looking for something
lighter. That's likely the next entry.
I remember being a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. Someone who knew what needed to be done and could handle it. Someone who might not be remembered in song and story, but who would have left an imprint on this world nonetheless. Someone who could make a difference.
I remember feeling that way. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. As I think back on that, I realize it’s been over 10 years since I really felt like I could kick ass and take names. I can sometimes make the world believe that the fire is still there. But in my heart, I know that I’d have to push away a lot of ash to get to even one tiny glowing ember that might still be there at the core of my being.
The last few years have taken a lot out of me. The last two years in particular, when I attempted to chart a new course for myself and pretty much failed, have been the hardest financially, physically and mentally. I’ve had my knowledge and abilities questioned to the point where even I question how much I know and can do in this world of ours. I feel more and more like an anachronism. I used to think I’d like being an anachronism, someone out of place in time. But, now that I seem to fit the definition in my old-fashioned middle years among the modern elements of the 21st century, I can honestly say it’s not necessarily a good thing to be.
Lest this month’s serving of whine leave anyone concerned for my wellbeing, fear not. I’m here for the duration. I’m here to see and be a part of the movie that’s playing out my life. I realize I’m the major contributor to its less than perfect writing and direction, but there are a few other hands influencing its course. Some are welcome, others not so much. However, while it may not be the best film, I have no desire to walk out on it before the end-credits roll which, I still hope, is more than a few years down the road.
I could use some comic relief in this thing, though. And some romance. Maybe some porn. Definitely less drama.
I remember being a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. Someone who knew what needed to be done and could handle it. Someone who might not be remembered in song and story, but who would have left an imprint on this world nonetheless. Someone who could make a difference.
I remember feeling that way. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. As I think back on that, I realize it’s been over 10 years since I really felt like I could kick ass and take names. I can sometimes make the world believe that the fire is still there. But in my heart, I know that I’d have to push away a lot of ash to get to even one tiny glowing ember that might still be there at the core of my being.
The last few years have taken a lot out of me. The last two years in particular, when I attempted to chart a new course for myself and pretty much failed, have been the hardest financially, physically and mentally. I’ve had my knowledge and abilities questioned to the point where even I question how much I know and can do in this world of ours. I feel more and more like an anachronism. I used to think I’d like being an anachronism, someone out of place in time. But, now that I seem to fit the definition in my old-fashioned middle years among the modern elements of the 21st century, I can honestly say it’s not necessarily a good thing to be.
Lest this month’s serving of whine leave anyone concerned for my wellbeing, fear not. I’m here for the duration. I’m here to see and be a part of the movie that’s playing out my life. I realize I’m the major contributor to its less than perfect writing and direction, but there are a few other hands influencing its course. Some are welcome, others not so much. However, while it may not be the best film, I have no desire to walk out on it before the end-credits roll which, I still hope, is more than a few years down the road.
I could use some comic relief in this thing, though. And some romance. Maybe some porn. Definitely less drama.
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